Ok, so it’s been a little while since I posted anything. I’ve been fighting with myself a little bit, deciding whether I really believe what I have put out there on this blog. After I posted a succession of posts about how much I love my life, life got harder. Nothing major, just sick kids and sick hubby, broken appliances, sibling rivalry, and various stresses. I got frustrated and angry, things that I should have done didn’t get done, things I shouldn’t have said got said, and that old trapped and guilty feeling crept in. Sometimes the thought has crossed my mind that maybe I should take all this moms empowered stuff back – who am I to be talking about empowered motherhood when I give away my power to choose my thoughts and feelings so easily? But when I read the things I have written before, I realize they are still true. I may not know how to live all of it perfectly, but it is the truth about what is inside me, and knowing that truth helps me have power to change for the better and remember who I really am. And I do still want to share that with others, even if I am not a perfect messenger.
Mostly these posts strengthen me. As I speak what I am learning in my heart, it becomes stronger in me. I learn from sharing, and my surety of these principles grows. I guess you could say I am being a student of myself, trying to learn and teach at the same time, which we all do whether we realize it or not.
I hope that those who find this blog will not think I am beyond ordinary in my struggles and imperfections. I hope to one day practice all I ‘preach’ in every way, every day, but I am so grateful to be taught these things as many times as it takes for me to understand. I am still learning, and I need these messages most of all!
I also hope that those who read will be reminded that under all that humanness in me and you, there is a perfectly beautiful person in each of us waiting to be revealed and remembered and valued for all the gifts she holds, and that there is eternal priceless value to that being, regardless of daily results. That person in you and that person in me deserves to be loved and valued no matter what mistakes her human side has made today. That true self inside you has something to give that is worthwhile even if she doesn’t have it all together on the outside yet. That true self is the REAL self I am working to uncover and cultivate.
If I truly believe that, which I do, even when life looks messy and I just blew it with the kids, then I will continue to share, because I will know that I still have something valuable to give. I will choose to listen to the voices that say ‘create and share’ rather than ‘give up.’ If I truly believe in who I am and what I have within to be, I will trust the process and be thankful for the lessons I get to learn and the fact that they are coming to me again if I didn’t learn them well enough the last time. When challenges come I can look at what I am, and what I am not, and decide what I really believe. I am grateful that I am beginning to see that my circumstances and my doings are not all of what I am. I’m grateful for the chance to begin again each day.