Yesterday was one of those days. One where I did everything wrong, fought with the kids, wasted time, and wallowed in guilt. One where I did not feel like an Empowered, Inspired Mommy but just a big, fat, failure. When I have days like these, there is a word that plagues me, particularly when it comes to this blog.
Fraud. Am I a fraud? I am not always living the things that I write about. Yet I feel deep inside they are true. Should I wait to share until I know I can do all the things that I write?
Sometimes I receive praise from readers who tell me how amazing they think I am, because of things I write. I thank you for your kind words. But I often feel like, ‘if you only knew.’ Just because I wrote it doesn’t mean I know how to live it completely. Praise the ideas if you want, they aren’t mine, they are learned from others and from inspiration. But don’t think I am any better than average because I wrote them. I’m sharing what I need to hear, what I’m being taught but still trying to learn. Sometimes I am afraid to write another post because it’s like putting another layer of accountability out there to live up to. It’s admitting I know these things, even though I haven’t figured out yet how to be all the things I know. At least when I’m not putting it out there I can plead ignorance. But I continue to put it out there because I know what I’m writing is true, and that it is meant to help me and others, and that maybe facing the truth by writing the words and sharing them will give me the strength to live them better.
I want to be real. I don’t want to be on a pedestal, because I don’t deserve to be there any more than the next mom (plus it’s lonely). Yesterday I published a post I wrote on another, better day, about words that inspire me, rather than tell you all how grouchy and negative I was feeling. My word was Integrity. I think I’ll practice some of that now. Here’s what reality is: I’m sitting here in my pajamas still at 9:18 AM. I haven’t gotten showered or started on homeschool. My baby is running around without her diaper. When I was meaning to read my scriptures I picked up the paper and got distracted. My kids got themselves breakfast without help from me, and now they are fighting over who gets the broken chair. I think I’m ready to go try to wash the residue of yesterday away in the shower, do some praying ask for help to start fresh, and be present in my life and with my kids. But first I wanted you to know that I am here, in the trenches of motherhood, and sometimes I am not the best Mommy. Sometimes it is easier to hide behind my computer and write about living a powerful life rather than actually doing it.
I know what it’s like to be a regular mom just trying to survive the day. I am inspired daily by moms who are doing just that and don’t feel inspiring. We are all ordinary and we are all extraordinary. We all have a human side and a divine side (that is our true self but often gets neglected and forgotten). You and I both know things worth sharing. And we both probably know more than we know how to do. That’s the reality, we’re always learning. Thanks for letting me learn in front of you and not being too disappointed when you see how much I still have left to learn.